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Jim Gaffigan on the gifts no one should give for the holidays
Some of you may have already completed your holiday shopping, but most of us are normal. If you are like me, over the next couple weeks you’ll have the following thought: “Oh, I should probably get that person a present.”
Maybe it will be for a friend, a neighbor, or a business associate. If you don’t get them a present, it could be awkward. Better to err on the generous side. Now what you get them is obviously up to you, but here is what you should not give anyone this holiday season.
Don’t give them food. You are giving someone a gift, not arriving at a potluck. I understand cookies, candy and fruit may seem like a thoughtful, delicious idea, but nobody wants anything perishable.
Instead of food, a great gift would be alcohol. Booze never goes bad, and based on the world we live in today, everyone needs it. It’s not even noon, and just thinking about some of the conversations I’ll be having this December makes me want a drink.
Another thing nobody wants is clothing. Unless you are a personal shopper, you are not qualified to buy clothing for someone else. I don’t care if there is a gift receipt. That’s just like giving someone an errand.
Instead of clothing, a great gift would be … alcohol! Now you may think, “But Jim, what if they don’t want alcohol?” That’s fine. Then they’ll regift it. No gift receipt necessary!
Here’s another no: Don’t give gift cards. They’re unimaginative and lazy. The gift card is just going to be lost. In five years when the gift card is finally found, it will be expired and just provide stress and guilt. Instead, a great gift would be … alcohol! The alcohol can be used to numb the pain from misplacing all those gift cards.
You may think, “But Jim, alcohol is never the answer.” Well, sometimes alcohol gets pretty close!
Finally, don’t give someone socks this holiday season. Yes, socks are practical but wildly impersonal. You may think, “But Jim, socks will keep them warm during the winter.” If you really want to keep someone warm this winter, a great gift would be …
You thought I was going to say alcohol, didn’t you?
Well, I am! Because alcohol could warm your heart during a winter which we all know is going to be filled with a lot of awkwardness.
You may also think, “But Jim, alcohol is poison!” Yes, it is, and like most parents of teenagers I’m going to need some of that poison.
If you are thinking of getting me a present this holiday season and wondering what I might want … to be honest, I would appreciate any gift. Any gift.
As long as it’s alcohol.
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Story produced by Lucie Kirk. Editor: Chad Cardin.
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Washington — Sen. Amy Klobuchar, a Minnesota Democrat, said Sunday that the entire presidential pardoning process “cries out for reform” following some controversial commutations and pardons made by President Biden, including when the president issued a blanket pardon of his own son, Hunter.
“This whole process cries out for reform because otherwise you undermine the justice system,” Klobuchar said on “Face the Nation with Margaret Brennan.”
The White House announced early Thursday that President Biden was commuting the sentence of nearly 1,500 people, marking the widest reaching clemency granted by a president in a single day. Among the individuals, many of whom had been placed on home confinement during the COVID-19 pandemic, were some who have sparked controversy in recent days — including a judge involved in a so-called “Kids for Cash” scheme.
Klobuchar interjected that she “did not like that one,” adding that she did not agree with all the pardons and commutations.
“I have no doubt there were some righteous pardons in this group,” Klobuchar said. “But there were a number that I think make no sense at all.”
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Further, she said she didn’t agree with Mr. Biden’s pardon of his son, Hunter, earlier this month.
Klobuchar noted that she has also disagreed with a number of pardons that President-elect Donald Trump made during his first term. And the Minnesota Democrat said that while the pardon ability is part of the Constitution and has a long history that she said wouldn’t be changed, she would advocate for reforms.
“We should have some kind of an outside board that governors have,” she said. “Governors have the ability to give mercy to people after years have gone by, but a lot of them have boards that make recommendations and other things, instead of people just doing it in the middle of the night.”
Klobuchar suggested that over a year-long period, a board could look at individual petitions rather than large groups, which she argued undermines the work of FBI agents and prosecutors who took on the cases.
“Might you want mercy 10 years later?” Klobuchar said. “Yes, you might. But let’s at least look at these on a factual basis and a risk basis, instead of just in the middle of the night a month before a president leaves.”
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Volunteers keep Christmas alive in shuttered church with a Nativity scene with a live baby and carols in German
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Sen. Amy Klobuchar says presidential pardon process “cries out for reform”
Volunteers keep Christmas alive in shuttered church with a Nativity scene with a live baby and carols in German
Ambassador Oksana Markarova says Ukraine is “not asking for other troops”