A Florida woman was recently arrested for repeatedly attacking her wife, beginning with shoving “cheesy nachos” down her pants, according to law enforcement in the Sunshine State.
Allyson Swan, 39, faces one count of battery causing bodily harm, according to St. Lucie County court records.
The underlying incident happened on the night of March 3 at the couple’s home on South Buttonwood Drive in Port St. Lucie, a large coastal city about 50 miles north of West Palm Beach.
The Port St. Lucie Police Department’s arrest report details the messy events.
Police allegedly responded to a third-party 911 caller who reported hearing their friend, the victim, being assaulted by her wife, Swan.
Swan allegedly told officers that “everything was fine” and that her wife was just “drunk,” according to the report.
“During my initial interview, she denied anything physical occurring, and stated [her wife] was in a drunken rage which caused [Swan] to barricade herself inside their bedroom,” according to the report of arrest. “She stated [her wife] made several holes in the wall, and once again, denied a physical altercation.”
But the defendant’s wife told a very different story.
“She stated she was making nachos with nacho cheese in the kitchen while [Swan] was playing video games in the living room,” according to the report! “[Swan] told her she shouldn’t be eating so late and commented on her weight. The two began arguing, and [Swan] approached [her wife], grabbed a handful of the cheesy nachos, and shoved them down the back of [her wife’s] pants.”
After that, the wife stated that she went to change clothes and called her friend, but she was unable to initiate the conversation.
Swan allegedly wasn’t finished and followed her wife as she attempted to take off her pants. The victim told police that she then pushed her up against the wall and dragged her down to the floor and into the bedroom by her hair.
“[The victim] stated [Swan] pinned her face down onto the floor and shoved her fingers into either side of her mouth and hooked them like a fish,” according to the report. “[Swan] then continued to batter her, grabbing her head and slamming it against the floor several times. At some point, [Swan] threw water at [her wife].
Throughout the attack, the victim claimed Swan made comments “about making sure [her wife] knows [Swan] is in charge and that [her wife] was not behaving,” according to the arrest report.
Police say the stained clothing, “large smears of a yellow substance” on the wall outside the bedroom, and a small hole in the wall all contributed to investigators’ belief that the wife was telling the truth.
“The stains lined up with her buttocks area where the cheese would have been on her leggings, and her elbow aligned perfectly with the hole in the wall,” according to her arrest report.
According to the police report, the victim also had a hematoma on her forehead and some scratches on her right arm. A hematoma is a collection of pooled blood under the skin that looks like bruise.
Swan maintained her innocence when questioned for the second time about the incident, denying all of her wife’s claims, according to police.
The defendant’s detailed recollection allegedly went as follows:
She stated [her wife] was upset at her because she did not want to watch TV together. [Her wife] threw the plate of nachos and at some point, rolled around and covered herself in nacho cheese. She stated she barricaded herself inside their bedroom while [her wife] began punching the walls and their bedroom door. She was unable to explain how [her wife] got the hematoma on the right side of her forehead or how her right arm was scratched. I also explained multiple times that the cheese was located on the inside of the pants, which would not be possible if she had “rolled around” in it.
“It should be noted that the plate [her wife] made the nachos on was ceramic and completely intact,” the cop said with a grin.
Swan was arrested the same night.
The defendant posted bond on May 7. According to St. Lucie County court records, she is scheduled to be arraigned again on June 2.